


The First Annual Traitors' Convention

by celeste9



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkward Romance, Awkwardness, First Kiss, Friendship, Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-27 19:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10815147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: Kylo Ren defects to the Resistance prior to the destruction of Starkiller Base. Finn is strangely fascinated. It’s unfortunate, really, that neither of them are very good at the people thing.





	The First Annual Traitors' Convention

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ambiguously](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambiguously/gifts).



> I actually wanted to write this for you for Chocolate Box but it didn't really happen, happily you still wanted this for May the Fourth! I hope this is a bit like what you had in mind. :)

Kylo always sits in a corner by himself. No one goes near him.

They stare a lot, though. Finn stares, too.

It’s odd. Kylo Ren had always inspired a mixture of fear and awe among the First Order. No one had gone near him then, either, but for very different reasons.

Now he just seems sort of pathetic.

Finn had actually expected there would be more trouble. People trying to pick fights or something. He wonders if it’s only because of who Kylo’s parents are that they leave him alone instead.

Poe never looks at him. Rey occasionally will glance over with a look of supreme disdain.

Finn is strangely fascinated.

Finn never knew who Kylo Ren was; none of them did. He was just Supreme Leader Snoke’s apprentice, the Dark Side user, the man in the mask with the terrible temper. It had never really occurred to him that Kylo Ren had been someone else once, a normal boy with a family who loved him.

A boy named Ben Solo whose parents had been heroes of the Rebel Alliance.

He still doesn’t entirely understand why Kylo returned with them, why he walked off that bridge on Starkiller with Han Solo. Poe and his pilots blew up the base and Kylo came with them on the _Millennium Falcon,_ to get binders locked around his wrists and shut in a room with his mother.

Then Luke Skywalker returned and put a block in Kylo’s head. They say he can’t use the Force anymore. They say he’s useless. They say he should still stand trial and pay for his crimes.

Finn doesn’t know what he thinks.

He remembers Kylo Ren striding through the corridors of the _Finalizer_ like nothing could touch him. Now he looks like another man entirely.

-

Finn gets his tray and scans the mess. Rey catches his eye from where she’s sitting with Poe and waves at him. 

Halfway across the room sits Kylo Ren, the table empty aside from him. 

Finn is torn for a moment and he isn’t sure exactly what compels him to do it, but he turns away from Rey and marches over to Kylo, sitting across from him. He sneaks a glance back at his friends.

Rey is staring at him in abject horror. Finn can see her mouth, _What the kriff are you doing?_

Poe is staring down at his plate, his hand clenched tightly around his utensil. His expression makes Finn feel like the biggest shit in the galaxy, guilt welling up and threatening to overflow.

Rey touches Poe’s wrist and Finn makes himself stop looking. Instead, he looks at Kylo. “How does it feel to be the pariah of the Resistance?”

Kylo can’t quite hide the obvious surprise on his face but he keeps his tone neutral enough. “Doesn’t look like you’ll need me to tell you, judging by your new friends’ faces.”

“If that’s what you think then it’s obvious you’ve never actually had a friend.” Finn hopes he’s right, anyway. He hopes Rey and Poe will understand.

Finn has never actually had a friend before them so he could be wrong.

“I’m not looking for one, if that’s your intention.”

“Don’t flatter yourself.”

“Then what are you here for?”

What is Finn here for? Morbid curiosity? “Just thinking that it makes sense now, why you always wore the mask.” Finn waves his hand. “No one would be intimidated by this face.”

He means it. He still has a hard time processing that this is Kylo Ren, this boyish, long-faced young man with the large dark eyes and the seriously pretty hair. 

Kylo purses his lips and Finn imagines that he hasn’t often been teased. “I see you’re still sharing someone else’s closet.”

Finn fingers the collar of his jacket. “Actually this was a gift. Guess you wouldn’t know about those.”

“I do know that I have never enjoyed chatter. Why don’t you go relocate somewhere you’re wanted?”

Deliberately, Finn stabs a forkful of vegetables and raises it to his mouth. “I’m fine where I am.”

Kylo’s eyes narrow. They stare at each other.

Eventually Kylo merely continues his meal. Finn stays put.

-

“What the hell was that?” Rey shouts at him later.

Finn has spent the afternoon running errands for General Organa. His brain hurts. He wants to lie down. He isn’t prepared for a Rey-shaped ball of fury. 

“What was what?” Finn tries, as if that might deter her.

Of course it doesn’t. “What the hell are you doing having lunch with kriffing Kylo Ren, as if he wasn’t just our enemy five minutes ago?”

“I was the enemy, too, Rey.”

Her forehead creases and her voice is slightly softer when she speaks again. “That’s different. He tortured Poe! And he would have done the same to me if he could.”

“You think I don’t know that? I do. I hate it; I hate what he’s done. But I have to believe that people deserve second chances, that people can change, that people can be better if they want to be.”

Now Rey is looking at him like she understands only she doesn’t; she can’t. “You’re nothing like him, Finn.”

“We came from the same place! Rey, I’ve done bad things, things I regret. I was at that village on Jakku, and that’s not… There are things I haven’t told you.” Finn thinks about the mining colony and the farce of a negotiation. It still makes him feel sick.

“You told me you never killed anyone.”

“But I didn’t stop it. I was there and I did nothing; I just ran.”

“You’re here now, Finn, you’re here making things better, you’re here fighting. You made a choice not to hurt anyone and you made a choice to be here. You’re not him.”

Finn remembers the way Rey had looked at him on Jakku when he had told her he was with the Resistance. She still sees him that way, even now. After knowing where he came from, after knowing he lied to her. “I’m not who you think I am.”

Rey touches his hand. “Yes, you are. I believe it. It’s just you who doesn’t.”

-

It’s been two days and Poe hasn’t come to shout at Finn. He just smiles when they pass each other and now he’s in Finn’s quarters with a datastick he says has a holofilm on it that he thinks Finn would like.

Finn feels like he should apologize.

Poe is explaining something about the plot, Finn thinks, when it just bursts out of him. “Aren’t you mad? At me? For sitting with him?”

He can’t even make himself say Kylo’s name, not in front of Poe.

If Poe is startled, it hardly shows. “Doesn’t matter what I think, does it? You can make your own choices. That’s why we’re all here.”

“I care what you think.”

“I’m not gonna lie and say it felt great watching you sit down with him but I trust you.” Poe smiles at him and it even seems genuine. “I think you’ll do what you think is right, and that’s enough for me.”

But Finn doesn’t know if this is right. He never knows what he’s doing. How can Poe trust him to make the right decision about anything? “He hurt you. I was there; I know what he did to you.”

“But you rescued me. I’m only alive because of you.”

Finn hates it when Poe brings this up; it makes him feel awful. _I didn’t do it for you,_ he thinks. _I did it for me. I didn’t know how to fly the ship._

Poe lays his hand on Finn’s shoulder and looks into his eyes with that intense expression of his. “You have a good heart, Finn. Don’t be ashamed of it.”

“How can you even say that? You hate him; you must hate me.”

“I could never hate you, buddy. And I…” Poe hesitates. “I have a hard time seeing… seeing past… I knew a boy once, with a shy smile and a nice laugh. I can’t really see him anymore; I only see a man in a mask. But Leia believes that boy still exists, and I hope she’s right. Maybe you can do what I can’t and help him find his way again.”

Finn doesn’t know exactly what makes him do it but he loops his arms around Poe’s back and hugs him. He thinks Poe’s heart is plenty good.

He hopes he can live up to everyone’s expectations.

-

Finn finds himself spending more time in General Organa’s company than he had ever thought he would. He isn’t a pilot, and he isn’t a mechanic, and he isn’t a doctor. He doesn’t much want to be a soldier anymore and he isn’t a Jedi like Rey. (He doesn’t care _what_ she says.) Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t have much of a place here on base but he’s good with tactics and numbers and keeping things in order so the general starts using him as a sort of aide. 

It makes him feel useful.

Finn likes knowing that the work he does help keeps the base running smoothly, that he can take a few things off General Organa’s plate and make her life a bit easier. He likes, too, how happy this makes Poe, who clearly idolizes the general. Maybe it makes up a little bit for Finn spending time with Kylo Ren.

“My son doesn’t fit in here,” General Organa says once when they are sitting in her office, as brusquely as if she’s discussing orders.

“Well, no,” Finn says, because he doesn’t know what else he’s meant to say. Obviously he doesn’t fit in – he’s Kylo Ren on a Resistance base.

“It isn’t that I expect any differently. I’m happy enough that he stays out of trouble.”

“Sure,” Finn says. Where was she going with this?

“I think you might be in a better position than I am, Finn, knowing what you do, having gone through what you have. You’ve settled in here amazingly well. Maybe you could… look out for him.”

Finn stares at her. “You want me to baby-sit Kylo Ren?”

General Organa’s mouth quirks as though she can see the humor in the situation. “Not exactly. I just wonder if you might keep an eye on him. It isn’t an order; I would never demand that of you. But I am asking you, as a mother, if you might have the kindness to indulge me.”

“I don’t know what you’re expecting.”

“Nothing, honestly, unless it’s you telling me to frag off.”

Finn knows his face must be filled with horror.

The general takes pity on him. “Consider it a foolish hope that you might be a good influence on my foolish ass of a son.”

“Me?”

“You were in the First Order, Finn, but you didn’t let it change you. You can understand better than any of us what he is coming from, but you…” General Organa lifts her shoulders and lets them fall. “Oh, I don’t know. Can I be honest with you? I don’t have a kriffing clue what to do with my own son. I should throw him in a prison cell, only I can’t quite…” She pauses as though to collect herself. “He can be useful to us. As long as the war is on, but after… Well, after he will be made to stand accountable for his crimes, in one way or another.”

 _They will kill him,_ Finn thinks. No matter how useful he proves now. He can’t imagine how that feels, to know that your son will die and there won’t be anything you can do about it.

“I’ll try to help,” Finn says, without knowing why he says it. Maybe only because of the general. He doesn’t think he should see her like this, so… human. He wants to help her.

And maybe, just maybe, a tiny part of him can’t shake his strange preoccupation with Kylo Ren. 

-

Rey is predictably appalled by this turn of events.

“You told her _yes_?”

“Have you tried saying no to General Organa?”

Rey’s mouth closes and her lips thin, clearly stymied by this response. Eventually she says, “Think you still could’ve refused.”

“Honestly I think the general expected me to.”

“So why didn’t you?”

Finn shrugs. “I wanted to help.”

“The general?”

“’Course.”

Rey is staring at him. “Finn.”

“What?”

“Finn!”

“Fine! Force! Not only her. Shit, Rey, I just… It’s the right thing to do,” Finn hears himself say.

 _The right thing to do,_ and he’s as full of shit now as he was when he said those words to Poe. He isn’t interested in spending time with Kylo Ren because it’s the right thing to do.

 _You need a pilot,_ Poe had said then, and now Rey says, “If you don’t help Kylo Ren it won’t mean that you aren’t deserving of help, Finn. It isn’t the same.”

 _It feels the same._ “People have been nice to me here. They don’t have to be.”

“Because you chose to be here, because you’re a good person, because you’ve helped.”

“Kylo Ren chose to be here, too.”

“It isn’t remotely the same thing and you know it. If your situations were reversed he would never help you.”

“If I’m better than that, maybe he can be, too.”

It sounds like a weak argument even to Finn. Rey is looking doubtful.

“It isn’t your responsibility to make him a better person,” she says.

“That isn’t what I think,” Finn says.

The truth is, Finn doesn’t know what he’s doing. He doesn’t know if it’s for the general, or for Kylo, or for himself.

He just knows he’s doing it, and he supposes they’ll all see what comes of it.

-

Kylo tolerates Finn’s presence with his typical broodiness. He listens to Finn talk more than they actually hold conversations. When he does talk, it generally seems to be because Finn has annoyed him to the point where Kylo seems to lose patience and has to talk back. 

Once he says, “My mother put you up to this.”

Finn leans back in his chair. “You don’t think I’m doing this out of the goodness of my heart? Or that I just enjoy the pleasure of your company?”

Kylo scowls. “She thinks I need minding. She thinks you’re a good influence.”

“I am pretty great.”

“And my father says I’m the one with the ego,” Kylo mutters.

Finn laughs. “Hey, that was almost a joke, I’m impressed.”

For the barest flash of a second Finn thinks Kylo almost looks pleased. Obviously he goes on to destroy the moment. “I can’t believe I had to listen to Hux and Phasma whine all about the traitor only to come here and be stuck with you.”

There is a moment where Finn is curious, where Finn wants to ask, but it passes. That was his old life. He doesn’t care what Hux and Phasma had to say. “You know this makes you a traitor now, too. We should start a club.”

“What an incredibly appealing prospect.”

“Where’d you get the sarcasm from? Mom or dad? Both, probably. That’s still so weird, though. How’d you have parents like the general and Han and turn out so…” Finn waves his hand, knowing he can’t adequately convey his meaning through mere words. 

Kylo’s gaze is averted as he deliberately looks away from Finn. “Maybe they were terrible parents. You wouldn’t know.”

“I know they loved you. I think that’s the part that matters.”

There are a lot of things Finn doesn’t understand about Kylo but this is the biggest one. He had a family who loved him and he turned his back on them.

“You don’t understand,” Kylo says.

“No, I don’t,” Finn replies, and that’s the end of that conversation.

-

Finn spends an entire morning in General Organa’s office with the general and Kylo while Kylo talks and talks and talks, telling them everything he knows about the First Order’s movements in a particular sector of the galaxy. Finn has never heard Kylo put so many words together at once. He is beginning to understand why the general thought Kylo would be so useful, why she has been able to keep him at her side, at least while the war is still on.

After, Finn and Kylo sit just outside the base in the grass, backs against a boulder, as they have lunch. Not as many stares out here. Finn is tired of being an object of constant scrutiny. He was already the ex-stormtrooper; now he’s the ex-stomtrooper who hangs around with Kylo Ren. People might be nice but they’re still overly curious and it’s rather tiresome.

“You should sit with your friends,” Kylo says. His food is mostly untouched.

“Weirdly enough, my friends don’t want to sit with you. Good thought, though.”

“I can manage just fine without you.”

Finn’s eyebrows crease together. “Can you?”

“It might surprise you but I am used to being alone.”

Snorting, Finn says, “Huh, really?” 

He lets the silence stretch and then he says, “Just ‘cause you’re used to not having any friends doesn’t mean you don’t want any.”

Kylo’s eyes are faintly narrowed as he looks sideways at Finn but his expression is otherwise neutral. “Is that what you think we are? Friends?”

“Hell, no. I’d have to like you more than I do to call you my friend.”

Kylo’s mouth twitches and Finn can’t help himself from smiling a little.

-

Sometimes Finn watches Kylo and realizes that his odd quirks of habit come from him not being able to use the Force anymore. The way he sometimes seems overly startled by anyone drawing near him, as though he’s used to the aid of another sense that is no longer there, or the way he sometimes raises his hand only to quickly draw it back to himself, like he’s remembered he can’t call objects to himself anymore. Finn has even watched him walk into a door, clearly forgetting he has to use physical force to open them now.

“Do you miss it? The Force?” Finn asks.

Kylo startles, his eye sliding over to Finn, and he appears to give the question serious thought. “It feels like a missing limb. I still expect it to be there but it just… isn’t.”

“Could you break it? The block?”

Kylo shrugs. “Possibly.”

“Possibly?”

“Skywalker seems to think if I tried, it would destroy my mind.”

“But he only thinks that. Or, he’s only telling you that. It might not even be true.” Hell, Finn doesn’t know how the Force works, as Han likes to remind him.

“I suppose.”

“So why don’t you try? If you’re so kriffing miserable?”

Kylo isn’t looking at him. “Maybe I don’t want it anymore. Maybe the Force hasn’t ever done anything for me. Maybe it would be easier not to have it.”

Finn blinks at him. That definitely wasn’t what he had expected to hear.

“At least I don’t hear him anymore,” Kylo mutters, half to himself.

“Hear who?”

Now Kylo looks at him, dark eyes boring into Finn’s. “Snoke.”

“You hear him in your head?” Finn blurts out, immediately feeling stupid. Of course he does. Kylo was Snoke’s chosen apprentice. He must be searching for him even now. Finn wonders what Snoke would do if he found him – take him back, or kill him on sight?

“Like I said. Not anymore.”

“But you did.”

Kylo fidgets, as though he is uncomfortable with this line of conversation. “He made me promises I don’t think he ever meant to keep. I think mostly what he told me were lies, but I wanted to believe them. Guess that makes me the fool.”

Finn doesn’t deny it. He doesn’t want to and he doesn’t think it would help, anyway. Kylo had been an idiot. Finn is fairly certain Kylo realizes that now.

But he also can’t help thinking about the little boy Kylo Ren must have been, Ben Solo, with his famous family, his Jedi uncle. Ben Solo, as Force sensitive as they come, hearing voices in his head. It must have been frightening; it must have been overwhelming. The allure of false promises must have been intoxicating. 

It doesn’t make it okay. Finn still thinks Kylo was an idiot who threw away everything for power, who had a family who loved him and would have helped him but instead he chose himself.

It makes him a little sad, anyway, imagining that scared, lonely boy.

“They never told me about my grandfather,” Kylo volunteers, and Finn looks at him in surprise.

“Vader?”

Kylo flinches. “Yes. Vader. I had to find out-- Well, I found out only because the rest of the galaxy found out. And Snoke… what he told me wasn’t true. At least, it wasn’t the entire truth. My grandfather was a good man who fell, and who made the right choice again in the end. I thought I was honoring him but he would have been… He would have been ashamed of me. Skywalker tried to tell me but I wouldn’t listen. I was so _angry._ I was angry at the lies. Then I took that anger and I…” He shudders, gazing down at his hands, and he falls silent.

Finn doesn’t know what he should say. He can’t offer Kylo absolution and he isn’t sure he even believes that Kylo deserves any. He isn’t any good at comfort and he doesn’t think Kylo would accept it if he tried.

He thinks he should say _something,_ though. Kylo has trusted him with something that Finn doubts he’s ever told anyone else. Finn doesn’t know why, exactly, but he has. Maybe it’s only that Finn is here, and Kylo needed to say it.

Maybe that’s enough, that Finn listened. He should ask Poe. Poe is better at the people thing, at the friends thing.

Only, how is Finn supposed to ask Poe of all people how to be a better friend to Kylo Ren? And has Finn just admitted to himself that they _are_ friends?

What a mess. He never asked for this kind of complication.

Eventually, for lack of anything else to say, Finn says, “Why do you call him Skywalker? He’s your uncle.”

“I think all my family would like to forget they’re related to me.”

It isn’t like Kylo’s sullenness and ‘woe is me’ attitude are unexpected. Somehow, though, it strikes Finn the wrong way. Here is a man with a family who love him, who took him back after everything, and all Kylo can do is feel sorry for himself. He is so… _selfish._

“Right,” Finn says, knowing how angry he must sound by the way Kylo’s gaze snaps to him. “That’s why Leia and Han went to so much trouble to get you here, because they don’t care about you. You know, not all of us have a family. Some of us would give anything to have what you’ve thrown away. Maybe you should stop being such a whiny dick and grow up.”

Kylo’s lips thin and Finn thinks he is going to shout; Finn knows all about Kylo Ren’s legendary temper.

Except Kylo seems to deflate suddenly and it’s almost worse. Has all his fire gone since he defected? Is that what Finn wants? Is it what he should want?

“You’re welcome to leave,” Kylo says.

So Finn does. He turns his back and walks away.

-

Finn eats lunch with Rey and Poe three days in a row. Kylo sits by himself and never looks Finn’s way.

The third time, Poe cuts out quickly. He’s leaving for a recon mission and he squeezes Finn’s shoulder before he goes. All Finn can manage is a weak, “Bye, Poe,” before he’s gone.

Rey is watching him. “Tell me what happened.”

“Nothing happened.”

“Okay, Finn, here’s the thing. I don’t think I need to tell you how I feel about Kylo Ren and your… your thing with him. But you’re obviously unhappy so please, talk to me.”

This is weird. Finn doesn’t know what the weirdest part of it all is. For the first time in his life, Finn has relationship problems that he needs to talk to a friend about. That the indefinable relationship is with Kylo Ren and it’s Rey who is offering to listen is just…

Well, it’s kriffing weird.

“He’s arrogant and selfish,” Finn says.

Rey raises an eyebrow. “And?”

“I… I guess that’s it.”

Rey laughs. “Finn, what? Like that was news?”

“Well, no. But…” Finn rubs his forehead. “He’s done horrible things and he hasn’t even really tried to make up for them, or even just said he’s sorry. He helps us but it’s not like he can tip the scales, you know? I know all that. It’s just… He had everything I never had, Rey, and he acts like it’s nothing.”

“I know.” Rey takes his hand and Finn knows she really does understand. She is the only one who can.

Finn wants to hate Kylo Ren. He should hate Kylo Ren. He has a million reasons to and he hates so many of the things that Kylo has done.

But Finn looks over at Kylo sitting by himself in a corner and knows that he doesn’t hate him. He wishes he did.

But he doesn’t.

-

The next day Finn sits down with Kylo at lunch. Rey isn’t happy, exactly, but she nods over at him with a half-smile from her seat beside Jessika Pava. 

Kylo doesn’t apologize but Finn doesn’t expect him to. They don’t mention what happened at all.

-

They’re walking through the halls of the base together, Finn and Kylo, when they pass a couple of mechanics. Finn hardly notices the stares; it’s so commonplace now. He does notice, though, when the hushed conversation picks up again as soon as the mechanics have passed. 

They aren’t even trying to be quiet. Kylo doesn’t flinch when he hears what they say, but he stands a little straighter, like a front.

“Should’ve dropped him out the hatch of the _Falcon_ after he was born, would’ve been doing the galaxy a service.”

For a second Finn doesn’t understand the feeling that’s bubbling up inside of him but as he turns back around to face the mechanics, he realizes what it is.

Rage.

“Hey,” he says. “Do you want to repeat that? Want to say to my face that you think babies should get tossed out of ships? Want to tell General Organa she should have aborted her kid? Huh?”

“Calm down,” one guy says.

The other opens his mouth but Finn is _so angry._ “Your name’s Kev, right? Your girlfriend’s in Red Squadron? You know they would have all died out by Mon Cala last week without the intel Kylo Ren gave us, right? Still think his parents should have offed him before he even had a chance?”

“Maybe if they had, none of us would even have to be here because the fucking First Order would already be crushed!”

“Kev, come on,” the other mechanic says, and pulls his companion away.

Finn lets them go. He feels hot and tense and like he can’t breathe and he doesn’t even -

He marches back towards Kylo, who’s standing there with his fists clenched, jaw tight, face even paler than usual. They fall into step.

Kylo says, “I don’t need you to fight my battles for me.”

“You weren’t fighting this one.”

“Maybe they were right.”

Finn stares at him. “No, they weren’t.”

Kylo just shakes his head, striding off. His legs are so long and Finn has to rush to keep up with him. “You can stop pretending,” Kylo says. “Whatever my mother asked you to do, you can consider it finished. I don’t need it. I don’t need you.”

“Right, because you’re Kylo Ren, who doesn’t need anyone but himself. Except that’s not true, is it? It’s never been true. You ran away from your family right into Snoke’s waiting arms and now you don’t know what to do. You’re here but you aren’t; everyone on this base hates you, fears you, or both. Then there’s your family, who want to love you, but they’re the ones you’ve hurt the most. And you…” Finn waits a moment. “You’re terrified of them.”

“You don’t know anything,” Kylo says, but his voice is shaking.

“Fine,” Finn says. “I don’t know anything. Be miserable if you want; I don’t give a damn.”

It’s a bit awkward because they’re going in the same direction but Finn thinks maybe he can turn down this corridor and then circle around to where he wants to go; that way he won’t need to keep walking with Kylo.

Except just after he turns he hears Kylo behind him. “Why should they still want me, after everything?”

Finn stops. He looks back.

Kylo looks young, all of a sudden. Finn can sort of picture the boy he must have been, tall and gangly, unsure of his place. Ben Solo and his famous, famous family.

Finn doesn’t know how it feels to have parents who love you, who will risk all for you, who will take you in even when you’re at your worst. He doesn’t know how that feels, but he thinks he knows this answer anyway.

“Because they’re still your family,” he says.

Kylo swallows, his throat working. “I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t take me back.”

“Guess it’s lucky they’re not you, then.”

“I did… terrible things.”

Finn doesn’t need Kylo to tell him that. He was on Jakku. _Kill them all._ “Are you sorry?”

“Does it matter?”

“It matters to me.”

It takes a long time for Kylo to answer but when he does, it might be the truest statement Finn has ever heard come out of his mouth. “Yes. Yes, I am sorry. I’m sorry for what I’ve done.”

Finn nods at him, and Kylo nods back. They resume walking and they don’t speak again.

-

Finn tries not to flaunt his… acquaintance? Arrangement? Friendship? Relationship? Whatever it is, this weird thing he has with Kylo, Finn tries not to flaunt it in front of Poe. Poe has been too good to him for Finn to want to hurt him any more than he has to.

So it’s a bit surprising when Poe approaches him while he’s talking to Kylo.

“It’s Pava’s birthday,” Poe says, his gaze flickering from Finn to Kylo before settling on Finn again. “We’re gonna have a thing, drinks, or whatever. Will you come?” He glances at Kylo again, chewing on his lip. “Uh, you can bring whoever.”

Finn feels like an asshole. He says, “Yeah, Poe, sure.”

Poe smiles at him but it’s not like his usual smiles; even Finn knows it’s fake. “Cool. Okay, I’ll see you.”

When Poe walks away Finn says, “So I don’t think you should--”

At the same time Kylo is saying, “Obviously I’m not going.”

They stop and look at each other. Finn says, “That’s probably best.”

“I always hated parties anyway,” Kylo says, his ears red, and Finn lets it be.

-

The party is small but lively and the moonshine is disgusting. It tastes like they cooked it up in barrels in an engine room and Finn doesn’t want to know how close that is to the truth.

It’s fine, mostly. Finn likes Jess Pava; he likes all of Poe’s pilots, really, they’re good people. Finn spends a lot of time talking to Rey, who sometimes seems a bit overwhelmed in crowds.

It’s only… Finn knows how people see him. It isn’t a thing, really; it isn’t like anyone’s rude. But Finn is the ex-stormtrooper going out of his way to be with Kylo Ren and that is always who he will be. Maybe it would have been different, if he’d gone on just being the ex-stormtrooper who hangs out with Poe and Rey.

He didn’t, though, and it’s done now. He is always going to fit a bit differently, a bit awkwardly. Finn doesn’t mind, exactly, but it’s there in his head. A separation. Him and them.

He sort of wishes he’d done things differently. It would have been easier.

But maybe easy isn’t what he wants.

Finn makes excuses to Rey, feeling… Off, maybe. It isn’t that he’s unhappy but he isn’t having much fun, either, not like Poe, who flits from person to person, laughing, making it all seem so simple.

“Kylo Ren makes better company?” Rey asks Finn.

“Kylo makes terrible company, are you kidding?”

“But you… like him?” Rey twists her hands in her lap.

“Not really,” Finn says, and Rey makes a weird face at him. “No, I mean, I just… He’s not as bad as I thought.”

“What a ringing endorsement.”

“It’s different for me. He was… People were afraid of him in the First Order, you know? He was like this mythical figure, attracting rumors and whispers, and no one ever knew what to expect from him. But now he’s just… I don’t know, he’s this weird moody guy who knows he fucked up and knows he can’t fix it, and I…”

“You feel sorry for him?”

Finn hesitates. “No, that’s not right. If he fucked up it was his fault. Well, his and Snoke’s. I think Snoke preyed on his fears?” Finn doesn’t know exactly what went on there but he gets the impression Snoke’s been a part of Kylo’s life for a lot longer than Kylo’s been with the First Order. “But no, I… I just think people should have a chance, that’s all. And I know… I know what’s probably gonna happen to him.”

Even Rey looks sorry, though Finn suspects it’s more for him than for Kylo. “Justice,” she says.

“Maybe. Anyway, I guess he’s just not who I expected him to be. Call it curiosity.”

When Finn gets up, Rey touches his hand. “You can call it whatever you want, but if you pretend there’s nothing there but curiosity, you’re lying to yourself.”

Finn doesn’t particularly want to think about what Rey means so he leaves her without responding. He finds Poe, too, and Jess, to say goodbye so he doesn’t seem rude. Jess is a little tipsy and hugs him, giving him a sloppy kiss on the cheek, and Finn feels his face heat up. 

Poe hugs him, too, and says, “I hope you know I want you to be happy, buddy.”

“Yeah,” Finn says, his face no longer the only thing that feels warm. He isn’t sure exactly what everyone thinks is going on with him but it’s clearly more obvious to them than it is to him.

Finn nearly runs straight into Kylo’s chest on his way out the door. Kylo reaches his arms up, gripping Finn’s shoulders, and then he drops his hands, moving back.

“I thought you weren’t coming,” Finn says.

“I wasn’t,” Kylo insists, but he’s having trouble making eye contact. “Was lost. This stupid base is a maze.”

“And yet you never had any trouble getting around on a Star Destroyer,” Finn says, eyebrow raised. “Whatever, I’m leaving anyway. I don’t think I like parties much either.”

Kylo walks with him but Finn isn’t going anywhere in particular. He wonders if he actually had meant to find Kylo. He supposes he does spend an awful lot of time with him now.

“You don’t enjoy overly enthusiastic, drunken pilots?” Kylo asks.

“Huh?”

“The party. I assume that’s the gist of it.”

“Pretty much,” Finn admits. 

“Horrifying.”

Finn chuckles. “They’re not so bad. When you get to know them.”

In profile, Kylo only looks wry. “I’m sure me getting to know them would go over amazing. I could introduce myself as the man who made their commander scream.”

Shuddering, Finn says, “Yeah, maybe you should not remind everyone of that.”

“Don’t think they need reminding.”

“No.” Finn doesn’t, either. Even just thinking about it makes him feel like his skin is crawling. What the kriff is he doing?

“I guess it makes it worse if I say I didn’t want to.”

“What?”

Kylo’s gaze is deliberately straight-ahead. “Poe Dameron. I remembered him. Our parents knew each other. I didn’t want to hurt him. Guess it sounds worse that I did anyway.”

“You could try saying you’re sorry. That’s usually a good start.”

“Somehow I doubt ‘sorry’ will mean much.”

“Actually, to Poe? It might mean a lot. He’ll probably still hate your guts but at least he’d know you care enough to make an effort. That would count for a lot for him. He’s a good guy.”

“I’ve heard.”

Finn narrows his eyes, peering at Kylo as they walk. “What does that mean?”

“He clearly means a lot to you.”

“He’s my friend.”

“Oh, come on. You’re still wearing his jacket. His shirt, too, if I’m not mistaken.”

Finn can feel that blush in his cheeks again. “I didn’t have anything, okay? He just helped me out.”

Kylo’s jaw is clenched so tightly it’s a wonder words can get out. “Is that what they call it now?”

“Kriffing hell,” Finn says as it dawns on him. “You’re jealous!”

Kylo just snorts and fails to respond.

“You are! Stars. You think, what, I’ve got a thing for Poe? You’re a fucking idiot.”

Strides getting noticeably longer so Finn has to increase his speed to keep pace, Kylo says, “You’re the one denying it even as you drape yourself in his wardrobe.”

“Why do you even care?” Except Finn doesn’t really need to ask that, does he? He already knows why.

And he knows what Rey and Poe would say about it, because they made their positions clear not fifteen minutes ago.

Fuck. Maybe he and Kylo are both idiots. Finn isn’t sure if he should be disgusted with himself. 

“So,” he says. “You’ve got a thing for me, huh?”

Kylo makes a sound like he’s choking, coughing like he’s dying. It takes him a minute to recover. “I’d rather cut off my own hand.”

“Careful what you wish for. I’ve heard the losing a hand thing runs in your family.”

Kylo calls him a very unkind name.

Finn just smiles. He actually likes this asshole, so clearly there’s something wrong with him. “Just a thought, but maybe if you like someone you shouldn’t be such a dick.”

“That runs in the family, too,” Kylo says, and Finn laughs.

“I’m telling Han you said that.”

They’ve stopped walking, standing in a shadowy corner. Finn doesn’t even know where the hell they are, so maybe Kylo was actually onto something when he called the place a maze. Or maybe Finn should just pay better attention to where he’s walking.

He should also maybe pay better attention to what Kylo’s doing because he’s startled to notice he’s so close, suddenly, dark hair and dark eyes and pale skin, looming. Finn has an absurd desire to run his fingers through Kylo’s hair but instead he finds himself leaning in, closing his eyes as Kylo meets him halfway.

It’s the worst kiss Finn has ever had. Okay, it’s also the first kiss Finn has ever had but he thinks it’s pretty terrible all the same, too much teeth and awkward bumping of their noses, and distractingly wet. 

Kylo’s pale cheeks are flushed bright red when they separate. He brushes the back of his hand across his mouth.

“What the hell was that?” Finn asks.

Kylo raises his shoulders in a small shrug. “Me trying to not be a dick?”

Finn laughs, and then he can’t stop. Force, the whole thing is fucking ridiculous. Kylo’s face is still so red and Finn grabs his arm.

“Come on,” he says. “You can practice not being a dick some more later.”


End file.
